What a wild ride that was, friends. While I truly had fun watching and writing about thirty-one different horror movies, I’m relieved it’s over. I am in more of a dark place now – and that’s only partially a joke. My humour has become a bit darker since starting this project, and I talk about death at the drop of a hat. I am also fairly exhausted. The horror movie watch added a minimum of four hours’ work (viewing and writing) onto each of my days, and the posts got longer as the month wore on. I rarely got more than five hours’ sleep throughout October, and didn’t take the best care of myself. There were more than a few social engagements that I left earlier than I would have, knowing I had 90 minutes of horror movie to view once I arrived home. That said, I’m really not complaining. I inflicted this upon myself Just providing an explanation in case I was unpleasant toward you or scatter-brained when/if you saw me this past month. Despite the fatigue, I am deliriously happy right now. I was doing two of my favourite things all month long: (a) working myself to death, and (b) taking fun things way too seriously.
I want to sincerely thank all of you: for reading, for commenting, for watching along – whether that happened on my couch or on your own – for even intending to watch one (but life got in the way), for discussing your favourite horror movies when I saw you in person. I really, really appreciate it. You’re too kind to me, and your support kept me honest and kept me committed to this ridiculous endeavour. Thank you for enjoying it as an intellectual exercise, instead of the cry for help it so transparently was. Another big thanks to Toronto’s Queen Video and Bay Street Video for existing, as this month of horror movie viewings would have never happened without their impressive stock and friendly staff. It will be nice when I can rent something from them soon that features far less murder in it. And if you loved this idea, be sure to check in on my friend Charmaine Pang, who’s conducting her own Kung-Fu February in the new year.
What follows is an alphabetical index of the full list of thirty-one films. Simply click on the photo to be linked to the write-up. After watching thirty-one films, I have seen:
- countless throat-cuttings
- almost as many as incredible outfits
- only about a dozen significant characters of colour (and then, that’s only because I watched Leprechaun in the Hood)
- twelve instances of distracted driving leading to death and injury
- three movies featuring dwarves in red, hooded coats
- two scenes that reminded me of Queen’s ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’
- and only one nightmare the entire month. It was influenced by the movie Sinister and, for reasons unknown, featured National Post‘s Books Editor Emily M. Keeler.
Thanks again for reading this October. The index follows:
The Bird with the Crystal Plumage
‘By implicating the viewer in these murders, it indicts the viewer: you are just as responsible for these violent crimes as whoever the real killer is. You wanted to see this. And so, it introduces that key ingredient of many a horror film: shame.’
The Brood
‘Frank confronts Dr. Raglan at his office, saying he doesn’t want his daughter seeing Nola while she’s still under psychiatric (or psychoplasmic) care, but Raglan won’t agree to that. Frank pursues legal action, but his lawyer, as if he were reading a Men’s Rights Activist pamphlet, tells him they won’t have a case: ‘The law believes in motherhood.’
The Burning
‘If you’ve ever wanted to see Jason Alexander’s ass, here’s your chance.’
Calvaire (The Ordeal)
‘Worst. Christmas. Ever.’
Carnival of Souls
‘People say there’s something off about Mary; they warn her not to isolate herself, but don’t actually offer friendship – just scoldings and unwelcome sexual advances.’
Critters
‘But whereas the Superman story, written by the children of Jewish immigrants, tells the story of a benevolent immigrant who wants only to help and assimilate, Critters, written by Domonic Muir (of which I know little), portrays the imagined dangers of immigration: these immigrants are escaped convicts, come to literally eat us, house and home.’
Deathdream (Dead of Night)
‘Who knew rudderless dead shells of human beings could be such trend-setters? In attempting to cover up his increasingly corpsified look, he ends up looking like the lost member of Bauhaus.
The Descent
‘Maybe they could even name it after Sarah! Sarah is less than impressed, given there’s a decent chance she might die in this cave.’
Don’t Look Now
‘Even at the age of thirty-seven or however old he was in Don’t Look Now, Donald Sutherland’s moans of agony sound precisely like a hundred year-old man drowning in his own soup.’
Der Golem
‘Always fully read the manual of the automaton before you bring it to life.’
Happy Birthday to Me
‘Shish kebab: the most erotic and dangerous food of the Middle East.’
Here Comes the Devil
‘Sometimes parents just don’t understand … that you’ve been possessed by the Devil.’
High Tension (Switchblade Romance)
‘As one IMDB user asked, ‘what’s up with the bad guy mastubating [sic] using decaptivated [sic] head?’ What indeed?’
The Horror of Dracula
‘This Dracula is mean, clipped, and a straight-up monster who can’t even be bothered to wipe his mouth after bleeding his victims out.’
House (1986)
‘The show-stopper is Cobb’s V-neck sweater, featuring the deepest ‘V’ seen outside of a SoulDecision music video. It should be illegal to wear a V-neck that deep with no shirt underneath.’
In the Mouth of Madness
The really unexpected lesson in In the Mouth of Madness is don’t read.
Lair of the White Worm
‘Until I looked up the spelling on IMDB, I was sure the characters were talking about ‘the Downton Worm.’ I was pretty excited to think the events of The Lair of the White Worm were happening in the same universe and geographic region as Downton Abbey. Maybe the Dowager Countess was Dionin priestess of her day.’
Leprechaun in the Hood (Leprechaun 5)
‘To get close to the Leprechaun, they have to … you guessed it … dress as female sex workers, giving the audience the cross-dressing sequence we’ve all be waiting for.’
Let’s Scare Jessica to Death
‘The foursome meets again for dinner. On the menu: sexual tension.’
The Nun
‘But all the talk of suicide and murderous nuns is a real turn-on, and our priest-in-training and Eve start making out on Sister Ursula’s old bed, which is wrong for so many reasons.’
Pin
‘The subtitle of Pin is “A Plastic Nightmare,” but more accurately, this movie is “A WASP Nightmare.”‘
Pulse
‘In Pulse, are the real ghosts lonelinesss? Are all horror movies about loneliness? Am I just lonely?’
Rigor Mortis
‘Loneliness makes us do strange, sometimes awful things, Rigor Mortis seems to tell us. But companionship, such as when Chin reaches out to Feng and Pak, can be life-saving.’
Science Crazed
‘It’s like an apolitical Jean-Luc Godard found a camcorder and made a horror movie for his high school Health class.’
Sinister
‘It takes some serious ego to move into the house of the subject of your true crime novel, and even more to obstruct justice in the name of another successful book. That said, knowing many writers, I didn’t find his actions particularly unrealistic.’
Sleepaway Camp 2: Unhappy Campers
‘Avoid getting battery acid on your face at all costs. Also, if your niece was just released from a psychiatric institution after murdering dozens of people at her camp, maybe don’t hire her to be a camp counsellor.’
Slumber Party Massacre 2
‘Has an object more phallic ever been envisioned than a drill-guitar?’
The Strangers
‘I did totally neglect to eat a Coffee Crisp I had for the entire movie’s tense duration, so that should speak to how hypnotic it was.’
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
‘Given today’s “Stand Your Ground” laws, most of what Leatherface does would probably be determined as legal.’
Triangle
‘My favourite kill was the almost inadvertent head smash of Victor into one of the ship’s wall hooks. (It made me fear ocean liners much more than the rest of the movie did. Think of all the wall hooks!)’
Wrong Turn
‘There are few movies with a greater oral fixation than Wrong Turn.’
